Monday, August 25, 2008

Decision Maker


I've been a loner since the Christmas eve of the year 2000. Remember that night, I had a hope and I lose it. Ever since then, the only things I knew was amour est article truqué. Being a player isn't that great; I love to compete, I enjoyed the joy of winning. In my games, I set up my own rules. Rules nombre un: Never obey the rules. But since when I am starting to break my own rules? Being a player, is fun, adventurous, challenging, lonely, self-fish and so on. But who really cares? Don't you think the matter of fact is having fun and enjoy the life? décision difficile. Time flies, it's been, how many years? Maybe the ship need to find a wharf for landing? Maybe is time.

Amour est? I’ve never been in a long distance relationship. I don’t think before I would have been strong enough to handle it. I have not broken down and had a cryfest since this has all manifested. I was very, very close two nights ago, bothered by other things, but I didn’t.

Are you supposed to cry? peut-être...... When was the last time I had a breakdown? Back in Cobleskill, I had ruined my own friendship with one of my best friend, Simone and separated from my ex, Justin. The friend thingy, it was hurting. Its feels like, someone had taken my heart away; like a living body without a soul. Well, shit happened. I failed, I cried, I learned, and I grew up.

Lately I’ve been generally unhappy. I’m starting to dislike my job more and more. My friends are stressful. I was worried about school. Financially I’ve been irresponsible, not paying attention to what I’m doing, not to think of what should I do. Wise decision? I have it, but waiting for the right timing to actually do it. On top of that, there is something going on with my family that I try not to think about or hypothesize what’s going on, but it isn’t good. Somehow I wish I grew up in an ordinary family, but I didn't and I'm not blaming it. What I had been going through have make me a real Jessica today. Without the scar, where's the ending? But still. Lack of security always been a "thing" around me. I live my life with a protective shelf......

I’m not usually the type of person that holes myself up somewhere and doesn’t talk to anybody, but that’s what I feel like doing. And I would be doing that if I was a person that could say “no” or “I can’t.”

And the people I actually want to spend time with that give me a sense of comfort live a bazillion miles away, driving my unhappiness even further.

I probably need to have a ball to the wall cry. I might. But I don’t think it will happen. I don't cry easily, if you did see I cried, congratulations.

I’m more afraid of getting hurt again.

2 comments:

  1. Long distance is tought.. really tought.. I'm experience it now...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Player always the loner.

    ReplyDelete