Monday, August 25, 2008

Decision Maker


I've been a loner since the Christmas eve of the year 2000. Remember that night, I had a hope and I lose it. Ever since then, the only things I knew was amour est article truqué. Being a player isn't that great; I love to compete, I enjoyed the joy of winning. In my games, I set up my own rules. Rules nombre un: Never obey the rules. But since when I am starting to break my own rules? Being a player, is fun, adventurous, challenging, lonely, self-fish and so on. But who really cares? Don't you think the matter of fact is having fun and enjoy the life? décision difficile. Time flies, it's been, how many years? Maybe the ship need to find a wharf for landing? Maybe is time.

Amour est? I’ve never been in a long distance relationship. I don’t think before I would have been strong enough to handle it. I have not broken down and had a cryfest since this has all manifested. I was very, very close two nights ago, bothered by other things, but I didn’t.

Are you supposed to cry? peut-être...... When was the last time I had a breakdown? Back in Cobleskill, I had ruined my own friendship with one of my best friend, Simone and separated from my ex, Justin. The friend thingy, it was hurting. Its feels like, someone had taken my heart away; like a living body without a soul. Well, shit happened. I failed, I cried, I learned, and I grew up.

Lately I’ve been generally unhappy. I’m starting to dislike my job more and more. My friends are stressful. I was worried about school. Financially I’ve been irresponsible, not paying attention to what I’m doing, not to think of what should I do. Wise decision? I have it, but waiting for the right timing to actually do it. On top of that, there is something going on with my family that I try not to think about or hypothesize what’s going on, but it isn’t good. Somehow I wish I grew up in an ordinary family, but I didn't and I'm not blaming it. What I had been going through have make me a real Jessica today. Without the scar, where's the ending? But still. Lack of security always been a "thing" around me. I live my life with a protective shelf......

I’m not usually the type of person that holes myself up somewhere and doesn’t talk to anybody, but that’s what I feel like doing. And I would be doing that if I was a person that could say “no” or “I can’t.”

And the people I actually want to spend time with that give me a sense of comfort live a bazillion miles away, driving my unhappiness even further.

I probably need to have a ball to the wall cry. I might. But I don’t think it will happen. I don't cry easily, if you did see I cried, congratulations.

I’m more afraid of getting hurt again.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Realization

I mean, seriously. Why is that we as female species tend to hold on to the things that hurt us the most? I mean think about it. Someone hurts us and we go on and on about it without realizing that we are only making the pain immortal. We tell girlfriends and anyone else who is willing to listen. But why? Don't get me wrong... i fully believe in talking about things because that is one way in which we heal but why carry on and on and on. Just like my friends, XXXX. But how about it, do we female species would also tend to hold on to the things or fact that we hurt someone else? Hmn... Interesting.

I have recently picked up one of my old hobby. Going away. going away from from whatever frown stuff. I tends to ran away whenever I felt anger, I walk away whenever I feel tired and disappointed. Going away from people that do not recognize my soul and thoughts. Although I like going away; even though I love to make it as an escape excuses. But God know, this walking away is not an easy thing because it involves so much but is all worth it at the end of the day. I went away, I saw things, I learned things and I laugh again even though I'm still suffering from my non-ordinary life. Going away does matter to me. My vocabulary has written down a new word, Realization. I walk, I grow, I think, I know.

What matter the most? Lately I been having a same thought. I don't see myself could live for 80 years but let's say. One day when I'm 70 years old chilling with my grand child, they ask me, '' Nanny Nanny, what have you done in your life that make you proud the most? Have you done anything that make you regret? " ...... I want my answer would be, I have such a great life, no regret yet meaningful. Life is short. Study hard, play hard; work hard, enjoy hard. Listen to your heart, do exactly what it tell you too, then life a wonderful life.